1.  thinking about and expressing my gender sometimes feels like trying to find a light switch in the dark and failing

    you know basically where it is but you still have to keep feeling around and it’s frustrating cuz you know it’s RIGHT THERE

    but also maybe what i’m looking for is like, a fucking candelabra and i’m not even close, who knows

  2. 18:25 16th Apr 2013

    Notes: 2

    having a lot of gender-related feelings about my hair right now, in that it is making me feel weird and dysphoric in it’s current state. i have been growing it out for a while now. i’ve missed having a mane and i like it and i like watching it grow and i’m excited for it to get long and luxurious. but also i feel like in its current style/shape there is very little room for me to be read as anything other than a girl. and sometimes that is something that i want. something that gives me a little gender relief. on top of this i’m having lots of feelings about hrt and what it would mean to be very visibly femme and more visibly trans/gendernonconforming and how that could feel bad/unsafe sometimes and how i don’t want to change the way i like to express myself but i feel like i might be forced to sometimes? this is kind of wordvomity idk. it’s a lot different for me to be thinking about these things as someone who doesn’t experience transmisogyny and i have a lot of privilege in that regard, and also as a white trans person. it is safer for me to be these things.

    idk ugh gender why

  3. 02:38 21st Mar 2013

    Notes: 8

    i should just be able to say 

    "this is my name. this is my gender. these are my pronouns. here are some things you should not call me. thanks."

    and not have to fucking convince people that my gender is a thing that exists

  4. 00:32 31st Dec 2012

    Notes: 2

    i guess i don’t use this blog much anymore because lately i feel stable(?) in my gender? and i feel like i don’t need the extra place to document it visually or otherwise lately.

    "stable" is not really a word i would use to describe myself in any way (lol), but i don’t know how else to name it. "static" is not correct because that shit is still fluid. i guess i’m at a point where there haven’t been any *new* shifts or developments in terms of how i feel in my gender for quite a while now. i feel like a non-binary genderfluid femme boy. what that means changes in little ways now and then but that feels like the basic structure of things. idk, maybe i just needed to search for a long time to settle into it. it feels dangerous to say that ~i know now~ because actually i don’t know shit about the ~stability~ of my gender. what i know is that it may change in the future. it has in the past. but this is where i am right now. and it feels good.

  5. 03:32 7th Dec 2012

    Notes: 3

    oh hi. it’s been some time.

    tw dysphoria

    i have seen some pics of folks who’ve had topsurgery tonight and it’s making me have feelings. sometimes i want so badly to ~transition~ in a more traditional medical way. sometimes i ache because i want it so bad. it feels so right so often. part of me wonders if my need for modifying my body periodically for my mental health is part of that feeling. and then i second-guess and third-guess and fiftieth-guess if it’s right for me because it’s a lot more permanent than most of the things i do to fulfill that need. but i know it’s a different feeling, it’s not the same as that need. it might overlap a little. but i know myself and i know my gender and i need to trust my feelings more.

    sometimes it’s so lonely to be so invisible because the only people who see me as a boy are the ones who know me pretty intimately. or internet strangers. sometimes i want so badly for other people to see it. but i also know that i’m femme as hell and even if i do decide to change my body in certain ways the way people see me may not change much at all. so many gender-achey feelings the last couple of days. i don’t know. i guess i just needed to get some of the complicated ones out.

  6. image: Download

    why do i always forget that shaving parts of my hair off is almost 100% guaranteed to make me feel a thousand times better, more at home in my body, and more in touch with my femmeness?

    why do i always forget that shaving parts of my hair off is almost 100% guaranteed to make me feel a thousand times better, more at home in my body, and more in touch with my femmeness?

  7. i haven’t used this blog much at all lately. probably because i’ve been pretty depressed. i can never tell how long that lasts but it always feels like forever. i’m feeling that lessen and lift right now, which is really really good. but when i’m pretty depressed (and depressed and pretty, oho~) gender stuff either tends to fall by the wayside or get so awful i just cannot process it at all. so that’s what’s been happening.

    i haven’t been feeling super femme lately? which is weird and scary to say. i guess you could say i’ve been more lazy/low femme. also i am having seasonal gender feels where when it gets colder i feel more ~masculine~ whatever that means. i like the ambiguity that being able to wear lots of layers gives my body in the way that it is read, but at the same time that’s only happening because my body as it is is being hidden. which is a shitty thing to realize.

    also i just feel really agender lately. and feeling kind of weird about people other than me or my sweetheart calling me a boy. which doesn’t really like, happen much at all. but. idk, publically calling myself a boy is feeling weird right now. which is okay. fluidity and such. it’s kind of frustrating though.

    also i have been having some self-esteem issues appearance-wise, and so like visually representing my gender on this blog has not been a thing that would feel that good to me right now. which feels bad cuz usually i am a vain-ass bitch. i’ll be back. i will.

  8. 12:49 9th Oct 2012

    Notes: 6

    Tags: dreams

    all i have posted about lately on this blog is chest dysphoria but whatever. that’s real.

    i had a dream in which i had gotten a breast reduction. and they were like, small b cups. and all i could do was tell people because i was so excited. and i was at a bar and supposed to talk to a bunch of people because it was like speed-dating kinda (lol thing i am least likely to do) but all i could think about was my chest. and then there was a part of the dream where i was just trying on different things that i liked to wear before, but with my new little boobs.

    i feel like my relationship to my chest changes frequently, but more and more i am feeling like when i have ~good boob days~ it’s not really because want to keep it as it is, but that i am able to feel comfortable, and almost detached from my body in a way.

    but also surgery is scary and expensive and it’s something that is nowhere near happening at this point in my life. 

  9. 17:06 30th Sep 2012

    Notes: 1

    tw dysphoria

    having maaajor envy of flat-chested folks today. ugh. really wishing i could bind but i know that i shouldn’t because my asthma has been acting up since the weather has started to get cooler. BUT on the plus side i am re-realizing that layering up in fall & winter weather allows my chest to be more hidden. yay.

  10. 04:54 27th Sep 2012

    Notes: 3

    it sucks to share really fucking personal scary feelings and have that shit upon by people who think they know better than you and that your body and your identity are up for debate. i’m sorry you’re so fucking scared. i’m not even sure of what. you sure do yell “YOU’RE NOT REAL” loud though.